How to Help a Friend in Tears

The following are 5 categories of the most typical verbal "pacifiers" often conjured up from the echoes of past situations, which deny the sufferer the opportunity to express and work through her feelings.

1. Side with the person crying

   
   "He doesn’t know a good thing when he has it!" "You’re too good for him anyways"

2. Invalidate the painful feelings

   
   "No man is worth crying over" "Don’t worry"

3. Become angry

   
   "Get tough!" "Try to get control of yourself!"

4. Distract the person

   
   "Let’s take a walk. The fresh air will do you good" "Why don’t you get some sleep? You’ll feel a lot better in the morning"

5. Patronize, console, or reassure

   
   "There, there. You’re not the first person this has happened to" "Look at the bright side. You’ll have more freedom now"

All these responses cut off communication. They put the sufferer on the defensive; they require him/her to explain or justify his/her feelings to the listener. The original problem gets pushed aside.

The trick is to offer suggestions or share feelings and experiences by allowing the person to receive the information and then decide what, if anything, has to be done.

If you must offer advice, offer multiple alternatives. It is important not to get emotionally involved in the person’s problem, but to do your caring from a distance.

Finally, before a person can open up and share their problems with a close friend, an atmosphere of trust and safety must be there. All that a person needs to know in distress is that his/her friends really want to listen—and that it’s all right to feel sad.

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