Tips for "Constructive Conflict" (good fighting)

1. Maintain your perspective

   
   People who fight over trivial matters are probably engaging in a power struggle. Decide as a couple which issues are trivial and disregard them. Some things are just not worth fighting for.

2. Develop tension outlets

   
   Find ways to reduce your stress from school, work, etc. that otherwise may erupt into conflict.

3. Avoid festering resentment

   
   If you’re denying your own interests you may be building resentment or accommodating it, which can be destructive. It is important to openly confront the things that are important to you and resolve them. Be open and honest about your feelings. Remember communication can help you avoid misinterpretations.

4. Be sensitive to timing

   
   Openly confronting conflict does not mean immediate action. There are times when bringing up the issue is inappropriate.

5. Quality of Communication

   
   Actively listen. Listen to what the other person is saying and paraphrase what they say so they know you understood. Remember, extreme anger can result in verbal aggression; so try to be calm when you speak.

6. Be flexible

   
   Give in when an issue does not matter that much but compromise when an issue is important to you.

7. Approach conflict as problem-solving

   
   Define the conflict as a disagreement, as a problem that must be solved together rather than separate. Remember “We have a problem,” rather than “You are the problem.”

8. Continue to care or love the other person while fighting

   
   When you are refusing to hurt your partner during conflict you are continuing to care. (Don’t bring up personal remarks that you know will hurt them).

9. Use “I” messages to avoid judgment and own your feelings.

   
   “You” messages can be destructive to a relationship.

10. Sometimes, take a break

    
    Sometimes, taking a break to collect your thoughts and settle down can be good for both sides
    Just remember to set a time and place to come back to the conversation. (20 minutes is usually a good amount of time)